Maybe it is because of the holidays, maybe it is because it is coming up on the 5 year mark, (those of you that might be new to following me, or might not know, I lost my husband Bryan of 20 years, in a tragic car wreck 2/2/13 www.BryanDelk.com is a page I made for honor of his memory.) maybe it is because I finally decided this year to actually say “yes” to a date, and then a few more, and then after I thought it was going wonderful, I found it was not so much as I had thought, (and I know some people will say and already have that it was too soon, or whatever, etc, same thing, you don’t know unless you were there and walking in those shoes, I definitely would not have posted pictures and added in so many cards, had I known things would change, we/I thought it was going to be so, and then some things were realized, it is what it is) before you feel sorry for me, don’t….I teach all the time that we need to learn to be grateful and thankful in every thing, and I am grateful and thankful for someone coming along and showing me that I can actually have feelings again, as I had turned off my personal side of feelings for so many years….I mean, I am a great friend, great mom, great sister, etc lol and great in business, but I know I had made walls to my personal side, and he helped me walk through some of the steps to allow those walls to not be so hard, didn’t work out the way I had thought, and that is okay, I have prayed very hard for God’s perfect will in my life, and I believe if/when that is to happen, I will know, and I want it with all my heart only with God’s blessing….. and then maybe it is because just in general this time of year, we tend to all be a little bit more emotional in the first place.
I read an article today, from another lady, who lost a child, I had read it before, but funny how when you read something at different times, it effects you in a different way.
She talked about people making comments, unthoughtful, not knowing her or the situation…..I remember seeing comments on the news reports w Bryan too….they’d say comments cuz of black ice, he didn’t know how to drive, or shouldn’t have been out on the ice, etc….they didn’t know he was a cop for 16 years and trained how to drive….they didn’t know he was driving for fedex n trained to drive there as well, and they made him go to work because people *just had* to have their packages you know, they didn’t salt the roads cuz there wasn’t time and our city is not used to that much that fast, and they didn’t close the roads, till 127 wrecks that morning, with one fatality, and that was his, they didn’t know that Bryan slowed to avoid hitting a truck, (which he ended up hitting) because that truck slowed to avoid hitting a wreck that was in front of him, and then he slid into Bryan’s lane and right into the front of his van….*they just didn’t know* before they unthought fully commented….
I had met another man this year, that initially told me his wife had died 6 years ago, and thankfully, I think from being married to a cop and also being internet savvy, I know how to check things, and I do, and I found he was not – and was sickened to the thought of someone even saying that about someone else, if he had any true feelings for her – whether he wanted to cheat on her or not – he’d not even remotely say something like that. I couldn’t imagine what she would think, if she knew, not only that he cheated, but that he’d say something like that. Maybe cuz I am old-fashioned or whatever, but I don’t believe in that – but even if I did – I could never imagine saying that about someone that wasn’t – like wishful thinking in an awful way. I don’t know….Definitely pray for this man, and this woman, they need it.
Then I talked another man this week, that lost his wife of almost 30 years, just this year, and how he is having trouble dealing with emotions of this new walk, new steps in life. He talked about friends just not understanding…..and I tried to tell him, they can’t – they don’t….they can have empathy, they can have sympathy, and that is wonderful…..but just like after I walked through those steps, I got reached out to some other friends that were widows, and apologized for being an awful friend…I mean in reality, I know I wasn’t, I had reached out, I had sent cards, I had texted, I had called…..but you just don’t know, you don’t get it – unless you walk those shoes, and I truly hope and pray that most never know what I had to feel and go through.
I remember after the wreck, I got a call from the lawyers, they wanted me to sign a paper saying that it was okay to destroy the van he drove after they did all their legal stuff. I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t, it was like signing something to say that I was okay with ending that part, making that *period*. I made an appointment, I went to go see the van, I made them let me take the tape off, and I remember I climbed in the van, I touched every part of the van that he might have touched, that last time. So many people warned me to not do it. I debated my own thoughts of doing it or not, but I knew I had a time-table if I was going to do it and be able to do it, I had to then, or never be able to. I chose to do it. It was hard, very hard, it was taped up like they left it that day at the wreck. There was still his blood all over it, there was glass shattered everywhere. I still climbed in it, sat in it, touched it all, cried for hours, till they finally came out and checked on me, and asked if I needed someone to come get me, as they were closing the lot, and I needed to go and they wanted me safe. I still never signed the papers, they moved forward I guess the same, I don’t know, I guess they had to right? lol, I just couldn’t do it.
I remember for months, even sometimes to this day, something exciting happens, or anything happens, that I would have normally called or texted him to tell him about, and I can’t…..same with my Mom….your spouse and a parent, some of the closest relationships you have in your life…..losing my Mom last year, I felt at first I was thrown back to day one, I couldn’t even deal with my emotions at the beginning. When I speak on stage at events you have your smile on, and helping others – I was good at that. I was not good at facing my own emotions. I have had to learn and pray and talk to God a lot these last few years with different things and trust and learn how to walk in these steps, these shoes He has given for me. I do know that for some reason, He trusts me with this, that in turn I will help others and help bring them closer to Him. I try to honor His trust and obey. I am not perfect and I fail every single day. But every day, I get back up and I try again, and I move forward again, and I take those steps, in those shoes again.
In this holiday season, and as this year comes to a close, and as we start to go into the new year, remember, the past is the past, we don’t live there – it is useful and I thankfully have lots and lots of very fond memories there, and I will always love and cherish them. I will learn from my past, I will grow from my past, and I will use that to launch myself in to my new future of this next year, being better than before, learning and growing and teaching others what I learn in the process to help them as well, personally and professionally, in this walk we call life.
Here’s to many blessings and prosperous beginnings in 2018,
Love and Gratitude,